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What
is it about fucked up famous people, whether they get in some kind
of moronic police trouble or whether they’ve made some career faux
pas, that they have to go on Barbara Walters for rehabilitation? What is
it about Barbara Walters – that smug, frowsy, scrunch-faced
celebrity cum-licker - that makes errant big shots want to puke out
their secrets onto her designer-skirt-clad lap? And what does it say
about American taste that so many people scramble to watch these
psychotic defecations as if they were visits from genuine
extraterrestials? What cosmic fuck-up in the space-time continuum
appointed the prune-lipped and panty-gripped Walters as the High
Priestess of the Kleiglight Confessional? Has it come to this?
You
better you fucking better you bet it has and count on it getting
even better so long as the celebrity set is populated by at least
50% broads. Take the recent Bah-bah (as in “Bah-bah Wah-wah,”
made famous by “Saturday Night Live’s” Gilda Radner)
tete-a-tete with reigning Queen of the Hollywood Batheads – Anne
Heche. Heche as you may know (who doesn’t?) was for a very long
time the carpet-munching and dildo-fancying “domestic partner”
of America’s Favorite Dick-on-Dyke, Ellen Degeneris.
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Or maybe
Ellen wore the synthetic schlong and fake-hair chest prosthesis? Regardless, there’s plenty to say about Ellen in perhaps
another lesbionic broad screed. Suffice to say that Ellen was the
stupid dimwit screaming “gay discrimination” while she was
starring in a major TV show and hosting national awards shows. Fully
95% of the celebrity-sucking population would love such
“discrimination,” but…that’s a topic for another time.
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Bathead
Queen Anne Heche suggestively contemplates the oversized
microphone jutting precariously in domestic partner Ellen
Degeneris' face. Note the distance the interviewer keeps from
the notoriously flagrant carpet-munching couple.
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Sticking to the Bathead Queen, Heche was spewling bile onto Bah-bah
for a few very important purposes, none of which are essential for
the ongoing scroll of world history.
Still, she had to brave Bah-bah’s softball interview, even
if for the hopeless cause of gaining public sympathy:
(1) Batsy (Heche) had broken up with Ellen in a fur-flying
tizzy and was now “going straight.” She had “come out of the
closet” as Ellen’s lesbo girlfriend and now she is further
clouding her sexuality because she’s marrying a man, a human with
a real penis! (That’s one thing I never understood about
lesbianados: if they enjoy dildos, wouldn’t they prefer the real
hammer? Another time.)
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(2)
During her breakup with Ellen, Batsy was so distraught that she
found herself doing Hunter Thompson/Nicholas Cage “Fear and
Loathing” and “Leaving Las Vegas” imitations in the desert
under the therapeutic influence of Ecstacy, and
_______ (fill in your own speculative drug of choice; Batsy
was likely using it while simultaneously gorging a plastic penis while
having her pubes “clipped” by some muff-luvin’ damsel’s toofs). |
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Feedback
Who
is this nutcase "Dick Acorn?" What right does he have to slander
such beautiful women as Winona Ryder and Anne Heche? He should grow up and
stop using so much profanity. No one pays attention to profanity,
especially grownups.
--
Terence Baber
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(3) Perhaps most important, and reminiscent of #1 Bathead
Queen contender Kathy Lee Gifford, Batsy had written a book which
needed serious promoting. Admittedly, it probably has the most
truthful title a book could proffer: “Call Me Crazy.” And talk
about being able to finally and accurately judge a book by its
cover! Batsy is the best!
The
Highlight of the Interview
During
the interview, Batsy describes the usual awful things that befell
her in her early life, implying these events as an excuse for her
recently “ended” prolific sex and drug behaviors. At one point
she blames “God,” even angling for sympathy through an
“Exorcist” angle by claiming she was so fucked up, she
was…talking in tongues! Her demonstration for Bah-bah of this
phenomenon was probably the highlight of the interview – wow, what
the fuck was that!? Such rantings must have been some fun in the
sack with Ellen! Poor Ellen probably wondering whether Batsy was
coming, or going…going…gone!
And then the pained expressions as Batsy refuses to discuss
her same-sex romps with her former pube-munching pard, and a firm
acknowledgement that the split was final, irrevocable, and they
aren’t even talking to each other (take THAT!). Let’s be clear -
it’s all over now: Batsy’s “straight,” (although rumors
abound that her hubby is not! Hoooo
– only in Hollywood!) and she may continue her already ascendant
Hollywood career without taint, and the “discrimination” of
women’s pubes dangling from her pouty lips. All in all, in
baseball terms, a decent triple for Batsy on the interview.
A called strikeout for the audience. Bah-bah, at her
sycophantic best; gently coaxes these profound absurdities from
Batsy, who, after all, only asks that you acknowledge her
affliction, and…”Call Her Fucking Batsy.”
--Dick
Acorn
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