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Regardless, the most hilarious development of Winona Ryder getting
arrested for shoplifting recently is that virtually every story
instantly revealed that the willowy and waspy Winona Ryder was
really the craven shoplifting and pill-popping bathead, Winona
Horowitz. That revelation alone for Ms. Horowitz must have been more
grating than the actual piddling charge of getting busted with
stolen goodies in her boutique shopping bags.
And
those pills in her pocketbook – prescription drugs such as Zoloft
for which Ms. Horowitz didn’t have a prescription; but it’s
always a smart thing to carry rainbow pills when you plan on
shoplifting, figuring like most crooks you won’t be caught with
either pills or pilferage. And
even if you are bagged, who is going to hassle a dingbat celebrity?
Especially one so sweetly named as Winona Ryder?
Hauling
in the Celebrity Big Fish
Lately,
though, celebrity bagging is quite the vogue. It increasingly
behooves law enforcement officials from the lowliest local shay-riff
all the way to slicked-back big-city dicks to haul in the Big
Celebrity Fish. Considering how much the Big Fish get away with –
and still skate with to a great extent – an occasional celebrity
collar evens things out for the rest of society’s anonymous
miscreants.
Things
went awry for the addled Miss Horowitz when she tried to stuff a
bunch of freebie clothing (including arrrrrrr….panties…rrrrrrrr)
into her shopping bags. It was “only” about $5,000 worth of
items – hardly enough to be paying for. Why should she? She only
makes probably $5-10 million per picture, none of which has ever
been viewed by this reviewer. Are there any naked internet pictures
of her? That might be worth a shot. While you can accuse her of
being a pill-perping wingbat, that’s not to say she’s not quite
the knob to look at!
From
The Stella Adler School of Role Acting..
And
then there’s Horowitz’s predictable excuse, which you could see
coming a mile away. Give
her credit for originality: she
was researching for a film role! Of course – that makes
everything a-diddly-doo-okay! Let’s buy that: but was she
researching “getting away with shoplifting” or was she
researching “getting caught shoplifting?” You the reader, based
on your doubtless limited knowledge of the mysterious motives of the
celebrity set in general and Ms. Horowitz in specific, can draw your
own conclusions. Yep, you can buy whatever excuse you want as much
as Ms. Horowitz “bought” the items she stuffed into her booty
bag.
One
has to wonder about all of these actors who get so into
“researching” their roles that they strive to “act” like
real working people. One imagines Julia Roberts gang-banging a
bachelor party of toofless backwoods kissing-cousins to understand
the gritty realism of her streetwalker role in “Pretty Woman.”
Or that Tom Hanks researched the homo nuances of “Philadelphia”
by sword-swallowing 10-inch weeners and stuffing gerbil proctos.
Heck maybe they did the “research” ‘cause they liked
it. Surely in Horowitz’s case, it was quickly revealed that
she’s not presently working on any films. Maybe that explains the
anti-depressants in her pocketbook and her newfound sticky fingers.
Fame only takes you so far in La-La land – you still gotta produce
and sometimes, the casting couch gets a little bit crowded with
younger, prettier, name-changing gobbers streaming in from the four
corners.
You
have to wish Winona Horowitz a fine recovery – be it “speedy”
or “tranquil” depending on which pill flavor she smuggles into
rehab. And you must sincerely hope she realizes that her behavior
provides the easy fodder for painting her – along with most celeb
and non-celeb dames – as the big screen loop-de-looner she
portrays in real life.
--Dick
Acorn
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