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Mr. Shuter,
In view of recent events, could you
kindly forward the attached resume to Ms. Naomi Campbell, who may
apparently be looking for a new personal assistant. In addition to
15 years of executive level administrative experience, including
as the personal assistant to the founder of the test prep
industry, Mr. Stanley H. Kaplan, this candidate also possesses the
traits of the superlative assistant: Attention to Detail,
Loyalty, Persistence, and Discretion &
Honesty. If you think these “on-paper” qualifications might
satisfy Ms. Campbell’s initial hiring criteria, please consider
this candidate available for an interview at your or her
convenience.
Thanks and much obliged for your
assistance,
-- Dick Sheppard, Jersey City,
NJ
PS – If Ms. Campbell has already
retained an assistant, you might consider this candidate for
another assistant opening in the same industry.
Response from Mr. Shutter
Thank you. i will pass it on.
-- Mr. Robert Shuter, Vice President
Thank You
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Ms. Campbell would assuredly get someone who would undertake the
job with enthusiasm, professionalism, and discretion.
-- Dick Sheppard, Jersey City,
NJ
Postscript
I think it would be UTTERLY HILARIOUS
if I picked up the phone one day and in my usual brusque manner
said, "RICHARD!" and the voice on the other end, I think she has a
British accent, the british accent would say, "helloooo Richard,
er, Mr. Sheppard, this is Naomi Campbell." I think I'd have an
accident in my shorts! Such an event would surely qualify as one
of the most meaningful in my bizarre life. Because you know damn
well that if she's interested, I would surely get the job no
matter what I had to do. And that includes compromising my
gender/sexual preferences to "fit" more gently into the wild and
wooly fashion industry.
Dick Sheppard |
Recent Events
On Oct. 25, 2006, Campbell was
arrested in London on suspicion of assault.
On March 30, 2006, Campbell was
arrested in NYC for allegedly assaulting her housekeeper with a
jewel-encrusted mobile phone, resulting in a bloody head that
required several stitches. She was charged with second degree
assault.
Italian actress Yvonne Scio has
claimed the model left her "covered in blood" after a
spat at a Rome hotel. Yvonne claimed: "She punched me in the
face. She was like Mike Tyson."
In March 2005, Campbell
was said to have slapped assistant Amanda Brack and beaten her
around the head with a Blackberry. In July 2006, Brack began legal
proceedings against Campbell, claiming Campbell abused her
verbally and physically on three continents, including assault,
battery, false imprisonment and infliction of emotional distress.
On Aug 12, 2004, Campbell was sued for assault by her former assistant, Simone
Craig, who claimed she was held hostage by Campbell in a Los
Angeles hotel in 2001.
In
early August, 2004, Campbell was
investigated by New York police for allegedly beating her maid
Millicent Burton on Aug 7, 2004.
In
2000, Campbell was sentenced to attend anger-management classes
after striking her personal assistant Georgiana Galanis with a
cell phone in 1998.
Information Courtesy The Smoking Gun
and Wikipedia.
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