Moonachie,
NJ - June 7, 2001 – Printing industry
employees from pressroom porters to the executive suite collectively
shrugged and uttered a figurative “so what?” on news that printing
executive Hal Stottard, an executive with a large Moonachie commercial
printing firm, quietly retired today.
His future plans were not announced, and there was no industry
interest whatsoever in what his future might hold.
There was some insider suggestion that the retirement may not have
been completely voluntary, but no one cared one way or the other, except to
whisper malicious water-cooler-style gossip.
Many,
in addition to being completely unmoved by the retirement, offered
derisive comments. “Oh,
that guy with the wig? He
retired?” chuckled Pedro Nociamentados, a folder/stitcher operator of
questionable immigration status at the plant where Mr. Stottard had once
reigned as President. “Like,
who gives a shit?” he concluded. A
pressman commented, “his strongest days were spent manning the company
barbecue, and many people frankly didn’t think he did such a hot job.
I saw a famished and hungry worker eager for lunch surreptitiously
discard a burger that Hal had smilingly proffered with a spatula.
As soon as Hal turned his back, the burger went into the trashcan.
I looked in the can, there were scores of uneaten dogs and burgers
in there, all tossed by people who accepted the food from Hal so as not to
make him feel bad. One guy
they call Acorn, who worked directly for Hal, commented that ‘if friggin
Hal can’t open Windows on his computer, who knows how bad he’ll fuck
up a simple grilled patty or hot dog?’
After that, people were just throwing food out left and right.
It was pathetic. I suggested we donate the food to an animal shelter or
something, and someone joked, ‘Hal Stottard, dog’s best friend.’ I
don’t know much about the world of executive muckety-mucks, but the word
in the plant was the dude was an empty suit.”
Competing
Industry Executives Mildly Interested, Relieved
Competing
industry executives offered mild interest.
One head of manufacturing at a successful competing printing plant
expressed a modicum of regret. “Hal’s
gone? We used to clean that
company’s clock when he ran the show.
In a real sense he did more for my company than he did for his own. He’s retiring? Well,
maybe he won’t have to wear that floating toupee every day.
Boy, imagine facing the world like that?”
He added somewhat sympathetically, “Boy, if only he knew the
hoots of derision that rug generated.
I guess the general feeling is, ‘empty suit, bad rug, good
riddance’.”
Still
others expressed relief that Stottard was leaving the industry.
“For the love of jesus! What
took them so long to give him the boot?” wondered an exasperated head of
production at another successful competitor.
“I once worked for the guy, and he was an empty suit.
All rug and no suit! That’s
a joke! Anyway, he screwed me
around so bad, I still think I’m a broad.
That’s no joke! Oh,
that’s good news he’s gone. And
what a battle-ax the wife is! With
any luck, he’ll have a short-lived retirement.
That’s a joke!”
Mixed
Feelings
People
directly working for him were of mixed feelings. Executive Administrator Dick Acorn, speaking on the record as
having worked directly for Stottard, was gamely supportive in his
comments. “Hal is the
proverbial ‘numbers’ guy, he can really finagle his way around
financial statements,” began Acorn.
“He loved financial statements so bad, it may have given him
severe tunnel vision when it came to important management issues, which
without proper attention, went straight to hell in a handbasket during his
tenure. Some people called
him an ‘empty suit’ but I thought he actually did pretty well with his
wardrobe. If, as some
asserted, he was overpaid, he sure spent his money pretty well in the
clothes department.” Acorn
fondly continued, “Was he a ‘good boss?’
Yes, if you consider someone a good boss who constantly needed
menial help with fax machines, copiers, and rudimentary computer skills,
he was a GREAT boss. And because he was such a superb numbers guy, his incessant
request for reports that needed to be carefully placed in binders for no
good reason made him the top of the trees.
And while there is vehement debate about this, some people on the
night shift heard that he was an accomplished barbecuer, too!
Rumor on the day shift was that he wasn’t so hot and there was a
lot of food waste. I respectfully reserve judgement one way or the
other.”
Acorn
wistfully concluded. “In
the end, the thing I’ll miss most about Hal were the cheery calls from
Mrs. Kitty Stottard. Boy, she
sure loved calling her Hal! Usually
it was to check up on him and give him numerous opportunities to vent his
frustrations, blame others for his ineffectiveness, and bad-mouth
colleagues. Often Kitty would vent her own frustrations and add her two
cents to the pot, too, which helped Hal maintain his unsettled feelings
towards others. Then there
were the most touching calls. She
always wanted to know when her Hal was on his way home to her, and she’d
get quite excitable if there was a vague answer about Hal’s departure. You see, Hal had a company-leased apartment – some company
smart alecks dubbed the joint, ‘the whore’s den’ – where Hal could
hide out during the week. But
come Friday, boy, Kitty sure must’ve missed him because she really
wanted him home. I don’t
want to surmise, but maybe she knew something we didn’t.”
Industry
Interest Non-Existent
Industry
interest about Hal’s future was non-existent.
Said one financial officer at yet another successful competitor,
“Look, you know how many numbers guys are out flat on their ass because
they thought they could sit in the Big Seat and run a bonafide operation
– only to fail? Who does this guy think he is – Mr. Varsity Big Shot
Honcho? Oooh, I
can run the show! No one
gives a flying hoot what happens, I guess the general feeling is, keep the
man away from anything remotely responsible.
Running one company into the ground and being a pestiferous boor
and a meddling conniving fuck is enough for one career, if not for a
lifetime.”
--
Dick Acorn
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