Al-Gayda

Middle Eastern terrorist(s). [see also Gayrab.]

Acronymphobia

A deep fear of oversexed broads who refer to themselves using initials.

ASAP 

I don't like how the term "ASAP" which is supposed to mean "as soon as possible," has come to mean: Do it now! I interpret "as soon as possible" to mean, "when you have the first chance," not necessarily "right away." So many fucks send faxes that say on the bottom, "ASAP!" like that is supposed to light a welder's torch fire under your ass. Not under mine. Therefore, may I propose when someone wants something done "right away," they use those goddamn words, or use "AFAP" - as FAST as possible. I hate that crap. Please try to get this passed along to all those duds who use "ASAP" thinking it's going to put a rocket on someone's ass. 

-- Rich Sheppard

BOSTON SUCKS

Did you know that you can’t wear a Boston Sucks t-shirt at Yankee Stadium anymore? New rule took effect in 2002 – part of Major League Baseball’s new Family Decency Act. The act started in Seattle [more]

Baby Carriage Reconnaissance

The troubling practice of inattentive mothers pushing their strollers into traffic from between parked cars. 

Calcutta Express

"Calcutta Express" - Rush hour PATH trains swarmed by Indian immigrants who insist on cramming themselves into the overcrowded cars. They are "pressing" their luck because at the end of a long day, people don't need too much pushing to push back. Maybe it works in Calcutta, where they are stuffing cows and livestock into the cars, and hanging from roof and rafters. But as Dickie says to these people when they start getting too personal: "back off! There's another effin' train in 2 minutes!"

Canoo

Phonetic - and correct - spelling of frequently misspelled word, "canoe." [see also Wapht]

Crap

The only time I might use the word "crap" is if I was describing someone and wrote something like, "he was an imperious and snooty bastard, thinking he's been crapping in the executive washroom since he's been out of diapers."  I think there it could be effective, a better word to use in that sentence than "shitting."

-- Rich Sheppard

Dere Go Big Butt!

Friendly greeting to large (usually black) woman.

DT's

St. Patrick did not intentionally drive the snakes out of Ireland by waving his arms, he had a bad case of the dt's.  That's a proven fact.

dt's are when you get the real bad shakes from excessive boozing.  Obviously that's a gratuitous shot at the Micks and St Pat in particular the juicing bastard.

PS: dt's is an acronym for "delirium tremors" I think.  I like that word "tremors".  It got them snakes out of Ireland.  We have people here at APT who shake like fucking leaves in a hurricane it's a goddamn hoot.

-- Dick Acorn

Fly By Night

I would like to be a Fly by Night. I don't know why this term has developed such a derogatory meaning over the years. Flying by night seems the only way to fly, and the preferred way to get something done. Come in out of the darkness, do your thing, and then you're gone. Gone before anyone noticed you were ever there. The hallmark of Navy Seals, although they don't actually fly either. Swimming by night seems dangerous because you don't know what lurks in the dark water.

-- LouV

"Foots" and "Toofs"

How can anyone like the word, "feet," and where did this dorky word come from anyway? We have one hand and two hands, one eyeball and two eyeballs, etc. We have one nut and two balls. With our toeholders, though, it's one foot, and two feet? Says who?

The word "feet" itself has a screechy blackboard sound to it, on top of it being completely unrelated to the singular "foot." From here forward, I am never going to use the word "feet" whether it be as a body part or as a unit of measurement. I am boycotting that annoying word in favor of the correct usage of "foots." Two hands, two foots. 3 foots equals one yard. I am 5 foots 11 inches tall.

"Tooth" and "Teeth"

And while we're on the topic, what's the story with "teeth?" One tooth, 2 teeth? Oh, yeah - how come? Not any more - it's "tooths." You can slangalize tooths to "toofs" or "toofers" without incurring a usage penalty. The beauty of foots and toofs is that they are a palindrome, a bonus, so in effect you can use them interchangeably with only a small usage penalty, to wit: "He stuck his toofs in his foots" (He bit his foots.) Also, "He stuck his foots in his toofs." (Put his foot in his mouth.)

"Foofs" and "Foo"

However, it is not proper to slangalize "foots" to "foofs" as the Acorn is trying to introduce the word "foofs" as a definition for a female body part to be mentioned at a later date. The singular of "foofs" is of course "foo." Explanations to follow.

There's probably a conventional explanation for the origin of the words "feet" and "teeth," but you'll never convince the Acorn. Given the way other body parts are pluralized, this is an argument that wins "hands", "foots", or "toofs" down every time.

-- Dick Acorn

Gayrab

Any terrorist or non-terrorist male Middle Easterner; collective description of Middle Easterners. [see also Al-Gayda.]

Groin-hocking

Male self-pleasuring.

Intima-vator

Overly small elevator which forces undesired intimacy; or, depending on the fellow passenger(s), intimidation (Intimi- vator). E.g. - elevators at LouV's 2 Rector Street, NYC building.

LIGAF

"Like I give a fuck!"

Malt-Liquor Mayor

Jeremiah Healy - Mayor of Jersey City, New Jersey.

Physical English

The next great wave of change to the English language. Herewith called "Physical English"; the only thing I'm confused about is why it hasn't already been invented in the hundreds of years that the English language has been around. [more]

Piss Castles

Old-style -- often ornate -- male urinals that are tall (floor to chin or higher) and wide (broader than your shoulders). Increasingly and unfortunately rarer and rarer. Often found in un-renovated bars and office buildings (for example, offices at 11 Park Place, NYC; Grape Vine bar in Jersey City, NJ). Piss Castles are to dinky wall-mounted, water-saving urinals what 747s are to model airplanes. Piss Castles are contradictory: if you approach one while drinking, they offer an easy target, but then you might horrifically stagger into one and never be seen again.

"Plain Stupid" vs "Bad Form"

Would it be "Bad Form" or "Just Plain Stupid" to ask one of the attractive HR reps if the company medical plan covers PES -- Penile Enlargement Surgery?

Portofinity

A puzzling, endless fascination with port-o-sans or port-o-potties.

Scootie-Bandootie

Scooter-borne Jersey City parking enforcement staff (usually Hispanic) which randomly and arbitrarily enforce parking laws. You can park in a reasonable spot near a corner for weeks - months - without getting a ticket, but there will come a day when a scootie-bandootie will get you.

Shebonics

Urban lingo uttered by agitated sista(s).

Spla-doosh

Un-aimed male ejaculate, often groin-hocked [see also groin-hocking].

To Be Profane,  or Not Profane 

In today's e-literate world, wherein e-mailers hiding behind keyboard and monitor dash off notes, missives, massives, blurbs, blabs, and other flighty fancies via e-mail, it's not uncommon for these messages to contain profanity. Woman's e-mails that contain dirty words, filthy language, and suggestive suggestions and outright demands for sexual attention are especially appealing. But for the most part, bad language - as opposed to more commonly dispersed off-color jokes - is usually found in guy e-mails. This is not to argue for or against using profanity in e-mails, but rather to propose that if anyone is going to use profanity in their e-mail, don't just throw out an occasional jarring "fuck" in the eemer. A single instance of profanity in an otherwise lucid e-mail serves to call attention to the writer's inability to form a strong, coherent, and bilious passion for a topic, with a corresponding decline in the readers' interest as well.

No, good profanity demands that you spew out an eye-tearing and troubling stream of vile discourse which not only gets your readers' attention, but hopefully causes them to block your eemer from even reaching their e-box. Better to let the readers know right up front that something has you so sputteringly apoplectic that the only way to express yourself is with graphically uncouth words and horribly distasteful sexual and evacuative references. And in the end, the offended - those semen-gargling and discharging pricks, with their sense of righteousness stinking like longly unwashed genitalia and bodily discharge outlets, can go take a fucking hike down a shit-strewn pier into a vat of simmering piss. 

Artie "Partie" Narwislingerson

Wapht

An inflatable watercraft sometimes spelled "raft." (Waphty): person who uses inflatable watercraft. [see also Canoo]

White Man's Hello

There is a very "cool" brother, Clyde, from Trinidad, a co-worker, who this morning while getting coffee by my cubicle greeted me thus: "Hey ol' buddy ol' pal of mine" which coming from a cat like Clyde sounded really really strange.  I reply, "what the hell kind of greeting is that?"  He goes, "that's the white man's greeting. That's how the white man greets one another." He's right!  So I say, "How does the black man greet each other?"  Another correct and funny response: "Yo, yo, yo!" Clyde knows his shit.  Going forward, I have to say "good morning" to Clyde by saying, "Yo, yo, yo!"