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Dummies don't
eat, so they don't gain weight. They don't
have to exercise; they are born blessed with
perfect proportions.
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And they
don't ask for much. You don't have to
take them shopping. No commitments.
Of course you
wouldn't know any of this until the clock
struck midnight. Could be the Macy's gals
come with the same complexities of real-life
women. Maybe they
worry about their complexions, their
hair, the clothes that they have on, and
how they look compared to the other
dummies in the department. And perhaps
they're judging me as I walk past.
Maybe
they're planning their careers, dealing
with the difficulties of finding the
right guy to have children with, or
using their creative talents to leave a
lasting impression in this world.
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Maybe there
are jealousies, cliques, and comraderies
going on. It would be
interesting to know what the gals in the
American Rag department thought about the
gals in the Nine West department -- the
neighboring section of Macys.
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For not all
dummies, not even Macy's dummies, are cut
from the same cloth. The gals in the
Nine West department
don't seem life-like at all; rather some
abstract evocation of a sado-masochistic
scene, with masks and corsets binding
their frame. And where are their arms?
Tied behind their backs? Perhaps Macy's
is trying to subliminally and subtly
tie high-heeled leather boots to
eroticism, while looking the other way
with a cheshire smile.
Or perhaps it is all in my head but I
have to say that there are no other
dummies anything like the Nine West gals in any
other Macy's department or other Mall
store.
You can form
your own opinion -- I can bet you that
the ladies in the American Rag department
have formed theirs -- but not being into
this scene we didn't rate the Nine West'ers too
highly in our survey. |
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Extaza
And then
there are the gals at Extaza. I'm not
exactly sure what Extaza sells, but on
quick glance it looked like a minimal
selection of minimal things, with lots
of For Sale signs.
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It wasn't
the kind of place a guy could walk into
with even the slightest pretense of just
buying something for the wife or
girlfriend, even at Christmas time. But
one thing's for sure -- the gals are
double-take gorgeous and very life-like,
and wearing some very skimpy things.
Heck, I even felt like a lecher sneaking
a picture of these gals from outside the
storefront window for this article.
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If the clock
hit midnight, based on the
way the gals in Extaza are dressed, I
might not make it to Macy's until the
morning after.
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New York
Company
The dummies
in New York Co. are very sophisticated,
but they have no head. This is not to
imply they lose their cool under pressure,
or are stupid dummies. They simply have no
head, and that makes it difficult to
entertain any ideas of a relationship or
intimacy. Even if you're a fan of a
particular part of a gal's anatomy, a gal
without a head just doesn't make it. Oddly
enough, the
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gals in New York
Co. have feet, but they are always barefoot.
As sophisticated as they seem, the barefoot
appearance gives them a casual look.
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Chico's
If you'd like to date Betty
from the Flintstones, go to Chico's. Cartoon characters
come to life, but you really have to suspend your
disbelief to fall for one of these women.
My first
crush was on Wendy from the Casper
cartoons, and Betty followed a few years
afterwards. If I was still 3 to 5 years
old, Chico's would be my favorite
store. These are gals you'd expect to
see in the Disney store; but the oddity
is that Chico's is a store that seems
targeted toward the mature woman; the
over 50 set. That set of ladies typically
doesn't have a 3-year-old running about,
so the dummies aren't there to placate
the kid; get him to stay in the store
for a longer time because he's got a
crush on one of the dummies. Perhaps
they're there to brighten up the very
bright clothes sold in the store. |
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GUESS
In GUESS,
it's all about the bodies. And the bodies
are tight.
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But it's not a place that you go
to fall in love with a woman, because
they also have no heads. Also many
of the women I saw were already with
some guy.
I have a
gift card to GUESS that was given to me
5 years ago. It was originally for $200,
and I've been able to spend almost $100
of that in 5 years -- I remember picking
out a shirt 4 years ago. The shirt was
over $80. Even with outrageous prices
like that (the jeans are also over $80),
try as I might I've not been able to
spend the other $108 on the gift card
despite visiting the store every
Christmas while shopping for other
people. The clothes are strictly geared
to 15-18 year olds, so that if you are
over 40 like me, you'd look like a dummy
wearing them. |
Like the
clothes, the gal dummies in this store seem
to be about 15 to 18 years old, although I
can't be sure since like I say they have no
head.
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Ann
Taylor lady |
Ann Taylor
Ann Taylor
is to the fashionable woman in her
thirties or forties what GUESS is to the
younger set. These gals have kept their
bodies in great shape, but again, no
head. Unlike the gals in New York Co.,
the Ann Taylor gals also have no feet,
which allows pants to fall to the floor.
They therefore look less casual; less
relaxed, than the New York Co. ladies.
Ann Taylor
could do with a change in their dummies
-- the business itself seems on the
decline. They used to occupy a
hotly-trafficked corner store in the
local Mall, but they have this past year
given up that ideal |
spot and moved
to a much smaller storefront in the middle
of the mall. The place was empty, even in
the days just before Christmas of 2008; the
clothes high-priced and non-descript, much
like the dummies.
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J. Jill
J. Jill
competes with and beats Ann Taylor. They
sell a more comfortable set of clothes.
Fashionable yet relaxed. They have great
sales, but if something isn't on sale --
watch out. The price can be quite stiff
for a simple sweater. The pretty skimpy sweater in the
picture to the right was $89, not on
sale. It would be a good buy at $69.
The dummies
wear their clothes well in J. Jill, and
like the Ann Taylor gals, they keep
themselves in terrific shape. But also
-- no heads. I am not sure who I would
date -- an Ann Taylor dummy or a J. Jill
dummy. I am not a 'foot' guy, but the J.
Jill ladies do have feet, so if you
wanted to take romantic night strolls, a
J. Jill dummy is the girl for you.
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BCBSMAXRIA
BCBSMAXRIA is
the name of a store in the Mall. Swear to
god. The chicks are really cool in this
store. But they are like shadows on a dark
city street in the night. Very mysterious.
Which brings us
back to Macy's, and the American Rag
gals. They can be playful, serious, smart,
funny, complicated, stunningly beautiful,
and very life-like. Every bit like real
women. Thus our award for Prettiest Dummies
in the World, 2008. I hope the other dummies
don't take this badly; they are all
beautiful in their own unique way. And there
is always next year.
Writer Bio
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Archie
Jacobson is a guest contributor to
paperbacknovel.com. Mr. Jacobson also
represents a retail menswear chain with
21 locations in the New York City area.
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