July 27, 2000

Dick Cheney

When the news first broke about George W. Bush selecting solid, dependable but "unexciting" Dick Cheney as his running mate against Alpha Gore, it sure seemed something was amiss. With all of the telegenic and "moderate" names that were being tossed into the ring - Keating, Ridge, Danforth, etc. - surely George would make a play to solidify his appeal to centrist voters by selecting one of these media-hyped candidates? Or even selecting media boot-licking John McCain, formerly of the Hanoi Hilton and Keating Five Savings and Loan looters? How then could Georgie Boy go and pick Dick Cheney - a proven conservative with a voting record that will be transplanted onto George with the intention of making him seem like a reincarnated Barry "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice!" Goldwater?

An immediate reaction to Cheney as veep was, "no, way, something fishy is going on here." And then it became obvious to this flaky thinker what this unexpected pick was truly all about: deception. Cheney is not come November going to be veep candidate - someone else will. Under this scenario, Cheney is a mere placeholder for the GOP convention to draw off the media feeding frenzy concerning George's pick. In a few months, but definitely after the Democrats' convention in L.A. when Alpha Gore's pick for veep is revealed, Cheney will cite health reasons and back off the ticket. This will allow George to say, in effect, "I wanted a more conservative running mate, but now I have to choose someone more moderate." Thus he gets to put a centrist-appealing candidate on his ticket, plus get an additional bounce of post-Demo convention publicity, and once more pull ahead in the race to a sperm-spattered 1600 Pa.

Viewed this way, the Cheney pick looks like a brainstorm of sophisticated manipulation and political skullduggery. Cheney, who was helping George pick a running mate said, "look, we can throw any of these bozos on the ticket and it won't make any difference. Why not for now, for the convention, let me stand-in as a veep candidate, draw off the media b.s., and after the Dems make their pick, I'll drop out for health reasons (everyone will believe me, I've had a million heart attacks), and then you can throw a centrist bozo on the ticket for the stretch run." Who wouldn't appreciate such shenanigans? Screw the media and scramble the Dems.

The Dems, their initial reaction, as shrieked by first-rate slime-chucking James Carville was, "70% relief and 30% glee." The Dems of course will spotlight Cheney's conservative voting record and demeanor, and will conjure hobgoblins of Hitler amok in America. They will tease George for picking one of his father's most dependable lieutenants, saying that George W. can't get out from Daddy's shadow.

They will go on and on and on about a Supreme Court populated by Puritanical Moralists who will rob women of their right to choose (as if broads won't do any ridiculous things they want anyway, law or no law.) And then they will realize what a formidable man Cheney is, the unique blend of steeliness and acquiescence and experience he brings to the GOP ticket.

And after reading George W.'s remarks of his selection, and viewing Cheney's own remarks as he accepted his spot on the ticket, something changed. It was the realization all over again what a sturdy and sharp-minded and disciplined man (his weight aside) Dick Cheney is. All of his measured and direct intelligence that was so evident during the Gulf War in '91 came out, and Cheney has once again won at least this red-blood kooky right-wing heart. The reality is if he remains as George's veep candidate or not, right now, no matter who Alpha Boy selects, Dick Cheney is the sharpest guy on either ticket. Never mind that his media-imposed image is "unexciting". Never mind that he looks older than he is - which is only 5 years older than George himself, even if he looks older even than George's real dad. Never mind, because if this isn't some crazy deflection scheme, Dick Cheney is going to be a dynamite candidate - especially out West and down South, and he will bullwhip any Alpha # 2 gofer in the debates.

Dick Cheney is an overachiever, keeps his mouth shut like a vault, and will not make any idiotic and pandering remarks as you can be sure Gore's choice will make again and again. Cheney's impeccable speaking style - even if he doesn't look so hot on T.V. - has a way of making people pay attention, and when people pay attention to Cheney - as they did during the Gulf War, they realize his innate strengths and understated confidence. Plenty of people are going to start realizing that Cheney is an attractive and believable public servant. Especially believable, because when he can't say something people don't want to hear, Cheney will keep his mouth shut until he can.

Directly following the Gulf War, a lot of agreeable conservative opinion was that Cheney would make an excellent president. During the wonderful post-Gulf War parade up Broadway, while drinking a hard mix of vodka and oj in the hot sun at 10am, numerous hoarse and coarse shouts of "Cheney '92! Cheney-Powell '92!" rang out from this gullet. And even almost 10 years later, such sentiments live on. Thus on reflection, it would be a hoot if George has something up his sleeve with his Cheney pick, but I hope he doesn't. Having Dick Cheney this close to the Oval Office is a good thing for conservatives and a good thing for America, and a bad thing for shrieking lefties and their vision of a government-dominated United States.

In effect, Cheney makes the choice between voting for Bush or Pat Buchanan a bit easier, and if Dick grows into his new role as expected, this vote goes Bush/Cheney in a heartbeat, as in Cheney, weak heart and all, being a mere heartbeat from bringing something to the big chair in the Oval Office besides a fat broad on her knees.

--Dick Acorn