By Dick “Scorpio” Laresch

So the International Astronomical Union (IAU), a body comprised mostly of Euro-weenies – has “voted” Pluto off the planet roster. Oh yeah? How come I still think it’s a planet? Because it IS a planet – once a planet, always a planet. Having been a planet, they just can’t willy-nilly demote Pluto. I don’t give a flying hoot about the rationale: it’s an “icy dwarf” or whatever they’re trying to sell. Pluto is a planet, case closed. Was, is, and will be. Just because technology now enables discoveries of objects beyond Pluto, that are even larger, tough, the book has been, is, and stays closed on the planet roster. If it’s a question of “rooting for the underdog,” fine, it’s rooting for the underdog.

And as a Scorpio, who I just discovered this week is the Zodiac sign most ruled by Pluto, I’ll be g’damned if I’m giving up my “ruling planet.” No way, Josay. Astrologists are already scrambling around trying to take account of this new designation, and as deranged as I am already, I don’t need anybody messing with my “charts.” An astrologer quoted in the Wall Street Journal said Scorpios, notorious nutjobs, may experience some dismay. You don’t say? I’m ready to take up arms! Nucular arms! Those astro-physicists want to play with the cosmos? The arrogance, let them reap brimstone!!

I do, however, buy into the conspiracy theory – propagated perhaps by me only – that the Euro-based IAU took the action it did since beloved little Pluto is the only planet discovered by an American (Clyde Tombaugh). That settles it: this Euro-chauvanism at the expense of doughty Pluto is true. But I predict the new designation ain’t gonna hold: they can call it whatever they want, most sane people of ALL Zodiac signs will keep Pluto safe*.  You just can’t toss that astrological influence! Besides, whenever the Europeans try to stuff something into America’s individualistic craws – like, say, the metric system – we say, “No thanks, Euro-pansies!” We still got miles and pounds? Inches and yards? Good, we still got Pluto. It may be the smallest planet in the Solar System, but people know a Big Deal, a Big Shot when they see it. Planet Pluto is BIG, baby, All-American Big.

* - Although mark my words: news of objects beyond Pluto will be a bonanza for astrologers, who will now have some updated “charts” to sell. You thought your astrological chart was in order? ‘Fraid not, you better get it updated at once, forthwith, with your local astrologer. I understand they’re having a $pecial.