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January
11, 2002
Skating
Strumps NFL!
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Woe
is me! To have to choose this
Saturday evening between an NFL Wildcard playoff game between the lawless
Oakland Raiders and the L-O-S-E – Lose! Lose! Lose! Jets, and the US
National/Olympic qualifying women’s figure skating competition.
On one side, you have the beer-swilling and losing gambling camaraderie
of the gridiron fans, the agonizing torture of watching Vinnie Loserverde
rallying the Jetsies. Sometimes he makes it and you want to smash TV, others you do
a jig for joy when the L-O-S-E Jets come up a smidgen short.
Opposing the mighty NFL you have mostly sub-20-year-old nubile and
lithe fairy-like dames, gliding gorgeously across gleaming ice; twirling
and jumping, jumping and…falling on their tight little behinds.
Woe! Woe Begone!
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With
the football, you have a bunch of oversized, predominantly pinheaded dumbo
jocks, jacked up on performance enhancers and visions of glory.
With the skating strumpets, you have a mixed bag of kooked-out but
enchantingly flexible teens, with visions of gold.
It isn’t obvious who you watch?
With
the horrible Minnesota Vikings, “Destiny’s Also-Rans,” out of the post
season, there’s no real rooting interest in the current “tournament”
as Bill Parcells liked to call the NFL playoffs.
So what’s the point of watching football?
But sitting among a room full of gooners swilling beer, as I’m
quite likely to be doing this Saturday night, try surfing from the NFL to
the skating strumps. It’s a nice try.
Hockey
Players Are Like Sissies
Skating
strumps have a lot going for them in that they are pretty, athletic, and
seemingly wholesome. But this is a façade, as we witnessed during the Tonya
Harding beat-down of Nancy Kerrigan when they opposed each other on ice.
Hockey players are like sissies when you consider that Tonya had her
hitman use a fucking CROWBAR to take out Nancy's knee.
And Nancy, what a “sympathetic” spoiled dimwit she turned out to
be. Talk about the general
public being victimized by the victim, with her “why me!” shrieks and a
grin that’s faker than Tom Cruise’s alleged preference for dames. Okay a cheap one on Tommy.
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One
of the competitors for a National Championship , Sasha Cohen, who could
easily make tons of piss-it-all-away money as an adult starlet strump,
openly declared she’s going to kick some figure skating tush. There’s
some other barely post-adolescent ditz with a mop-top who’s the
prohibitive front-runner for this generation’s Tonya; a couple of other
nobodies, and there’s Michele Kwan.
Four-time
National Champ and looking for an unprecedented fifth title, Michelle Kwan
demands male attention even if you have thousands of unavailable dollars bet
on any NFL game, any time. Quite simply, Ms. Kwan is the loveliest skater
extant; and probably ever. To put it politely, I’d like to take her, and
previous famous skating strumpet Kristie Yamaguchi, and go on top of some
mountain in the Far East and search for god by playing the “Oriental
Oreo” game.
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Sasha Cohen declared she's
going to kick some tush..
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Although in that
case, I think the search ends with them even accompanying me in the first
place. So you he-men out there, you watch the big NFL behemoths grunt,
groan, run, pass and catch. I too will be slurping my beer with the best of
the Real Men who ogle post-teen skating dingbats. If there’s one funny
thing about woman’s figure skating, it is that all of the “dude”
announcers, ALL OF THEM, are out of the closet LOUD and really should be
watching the sweaty men of the NFL instead of failing to point out the
wonderfully sexually arousing beauty of the strumpets on ice.
--
Rich Sheppard
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